Here is a collection of articles I've written for newsletters, article banks, and publications. I hope they'll give you food for thought as you are making decisions about your own life. Please share them with friends, or on your own website, ezine, or blog. Just be sure to include the following bio with link: "Diane Overgard, CFLE, is a Family Life Specialist and Coach whose main goal is to help people who are experiencing change find clear direction for their future. Find out if Life Coaching might be right for you by visiting www.BeginAgainLifeCoaching.com
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LIFE WITH JOY AND PURPOSE
TEENAGERS
Rock Solid Parents for Challenging Teens
Is My Teenager Good at Anything Besides X-Box?
DIVORCE
How Can I Deal With the Pain of Divorce?
MOVING
ROCK SOLID PARENTS FOR CHALLENGING TEENS
by Diane Overgard
Last night my 16 year old daughter swaggered into my bedroom, wrapped in a queen sized quilt, and snuggled into my big chaise next to me. She was feeling sick - a touch of the flu and a headache. She put her head on my shoulder and waited for me to put my arm around her and give her a kiss on the head. She needed to be loved by her mom.
Hold that picture in the back of your mind, and consider another teenage girl. She is also in pain tonight. Her parents are getting a divorce, school isn’t going so well, and she has been gaining weight. Her fear about change in her life is playing itself out in temper tantrums and bad grades. She comes into her mother’s bedroom, swears at her, calls her foul names, and lies about where she’s been tonight. She needs to be loved by her mom.
Sometimes teenagers’ needs are easy to hear. When my daughter came into my bedroom, where my door was closed, I was on a personal phone call. She was totally interrupting my privacy and infringing on my space and time. But she was confident that she would not be turned away. It didn’t matter who I was talking with - she knew that her need would be met with acceptance and love.
But some teenager’s needs aren’t so easy to listen to. It’s one thing to show compassion to a sick child. I did that, and it was simple. How can parents give that same acceptance to a child who is acting out in defiance, irresponsibility, or rage? When teenagers are nasty to parents, how can parents muster strength, understanding, self-control, and empathy to embrace teens with the unconditional love they crave and need? What happens when life is hard for a parent, and he or she just can’t take any more of this treatment from a teenager? What do we do?
When we can’t take the behaviors that are being dished out by our teens, our natural reaction is to forbid them. We ground teens, lecture them, and create systems to make them pay for their actions. We hope that one day we’ll hit on just the right punishment to make our teen feel bad enough to start doing good.
What an ironic thought. We want to make teens feel bad, so they’ll do good.
Could the reverse be the answer? Is it possible to create an environment where a teen will feel good enough to do good? Could it also be that parents need an environment where we feel good enough to do good in our parenting? Do we need to feel loved before we can love a challenging teenager?
Parents, please consider that the answer to that last question is a robust, “Yes!” We all know that you can’t get water from a dry well. And it’s true that when I look good to myself, others look better to me. So, when living with the challenges of a troubled teenager it’s extra important to seek out sources of support, encouragement, happiness, and joy in your own life.
During a very difficult time in my life I took a morning walk every day. It became my habit to smell the morning air, listen for familiar bird songs, pay attention to the weather, and watch for other walkers to greet. I learned to marvel at creation, as I noted new buds on trees and new flowers that had opened since the day before. There was a cardinal living on my route and I was eager to seek him out every day, listening for his distinctive song. I was amazed at cloud formations. In the winter I paid attention to the sound of the snow crackling underfoot. I noticed animal tracks in the snow along my path, just imagining who had made them. This simple morning routine became a spiritual beginning to my day, lowering my anxiety level and giving me focus to get through those trying times.
If, at this moment in your life, you are living in a stressful situation with an unhappy teenager, take a moment to ponder these questions:
· No matter what chaos is in your day, where can you find peace?
· Where do you feel safe and secure?
· What can you count on to always give you joy?
· What kind of music lifts your spirit?
· Who makes you laugh?
· Who is the person you can call on for support at anytime of the day or night?
If you are living with pain today because your teenager has disappointed you, rejected you, worries you, or embarrasses you, put some of these experiences and people in your daily routine. Remember that bad behavior from teenagers comes out of pain, even though we don’t always understand it. Teens in pain need a rock-solid parent who is strong, calm, and wise.
Rock-solid parent. That’s a tall order, isn’t it? You can do it, but it won’t happen by accident. You’ll need to become intentional, focused, and strong. I would be honored to walk alongside you in your parenting. Please e-mail Diane@BeginAgainLifeCoaching.com to schedule a free ½ hour phone call just to get acquainted. You can be the parent you want to be and create the family atmosphere you want to live in.
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by Diane Overgard
What are you good at? In a recent workshop with parents of teenagers we started out by playing with toys. We had yo-yos, playdough, Etch-A-Sketches, paddle-balls, spinning tops, and an assortment of maze games. There was laughter and people getting acquainted, and at the end I posed some questions, “Which toys were you good at? Which things were most fun for you? Were there some you knew you would be unsuccessful with, so you didn’t even try?” And the final point of the discussion was, “If you could take one toy home, would you take one you’re good at, or one that’s hard for you so you can do some work practicing? Parents agreed that they would take home a toy that was fun for them. They’d choose a toy that made them feel good about their abilities.
Every one of us, including our teenagers, have natural tendencies that make us good at one thing, and not so good at others. As parents we want to help our kids find their path to success. Do you see that your child is much more apt to find success and fulfillment when he builds on his natural strengths? It’s possible to improve in an area of weakness, with determination and persistence, but we are starting from a point of deficit.
So, begin by helping your teen become aware of his/her strengths. How did you learn what you were good at in your life? What was your first job? Did you volunteer somewhere? A first job, whether paid or volunteer, can be a perfect place to try out skills and see which ones you have, and which ones you don’t! These early experiences help kids see their natural strengths. Am I good at communicating? Or organizing? Do I connect naturally with younger children? Or senior citizens? One is not better than another, but they are what make each of us unique. It’s good to be self-aware.
What about X-Box? During this workshop the conversation came around to things parents have observed in their teenagers as their strengths. More than a few parents expressed that their kids are experts at playing video games, typing multiple instant messages on the computer, and composing text-messages at the speed of sound. What do we do with that, parents? Rather than complain and be annoyed, I challenge you to take an extra long look to find the skills that are needed to perform such tasks. It does take skill! I know that I’m not as skilled in these areas as most teenagers. And then, encourage your teen to build on that natural skill or interest. What is the next thing a teen can learn in this area, which will serve him in life? Where can his passion be expanded into something truly significant?
The tragedy in life is not that we don’t have strengths. It is that we haven’t recognized and used the ones we have. Walk with your teenager as he uncovers strengths, skills, and passions. You can be the encouraging force that turns his whim into a life of fulfillment.
I hope some of this thinking has inspired you in your relationship with your teen. Families change all the time, and when children become teenagers parents experience change that can be a huge challenge. If you and your teenager aren’t seeing eye-to-eye these days, this can be an opportunity to make a new plan for what you want to see in the days ahead. Life Coaching is an exciting, empowering strategy for making new decisions and plans. If, right now, you are living any sort of family change or challenge, please e-mail Diane@BeginAgainLifeCoaching.com to schedule a free ½ hour just to get acquainted. You can Begin Again!
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By Diane Overgard
Dad! Can we talk?
When was the last time you heard that question from your teenager? If you’re having a tough time remembering a situation where your teen actually chose to talk with you, well, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common frustrations parents share. “If she would just tell me what’s on her mind, I could try to help!” As many kids reach the adolescent years they seem to talk with their friends about everything (ALL THE TIME) and their conversations with parents get shorter and less frequent.
Oh, some teenagers talk. But many don’t. In fact it’s an aspect of normal development for teenagers to pull away from their parents, and stop relying on them for advice. Teens must practice independence, in preparation for the day when they will move away from home. Some of this practicing is agonizing for parents. We are interested in their lives. We are concerned about what they’re facing in this world, and we would like to support them. But they have to tell us what’s on their minds!
Or, do they? I want to challenge your thinking today. Is it really essential for you to know all the details of your teenager’s life? What parts do you need to know about? What parts can you allow to be private for your teen to keep to herself, or only share with her friends? This is hard, isn’t it? We think that “good” parents know everything. Who are those “good” parents that you know? The next time you see them ask how they keep on top of everything. My guess is they’ll tell you that there are things they wish they knew more about too. Or, they will say that it’s a constant battle to get their child to talk. And we know it’s not healthy to be in a constant battle with anyone, especially not our own child.
Here’s an idea for you. Think about trying this strategy for a week or so. See if it makes a difference.
When you get home from work, stop yourself from rambling off the typical parent list of boringly predictable questions: How was school? Do you have homework? When can you walk the dog? Who, teenager or adult, would be enthusiastic about sharing in quality conversation after being met with that battery? Instead, have a plan in your head to greet and then be available. For example, imagine your teenager’s reaction if you gave him a hug and said, “It’s great to see you.” And then, what if you sat down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, obviously not busy? Might your teen grab a drink from the refrigerator, and perhaps sit nearby? It may not happen the first day, or even the first week, but over time this could become a nice routine.
The whole idea of being available is vital if we want to create an atmosphere for quality conversation. We need to be present, and not scurrying about. Put away the newspaper or your laptop. Just sit still, and be approachable. If you’re in the car, turn off the radio and try not to talk on your cell phone. Here are a few more ideas for being available:
· Sit in the same room with your child and watch him/her play a video game… but not talk.
· Take your teen to a coffee shop for an iced latte… not to talk.
· Go to a used car lot together and just look at the cars… not to talk.
· Deliver a glass of chocolate milk to your child’s room at homework time … not to talk.
· Have a jigsaw puzzle out in your family room… not to talk.
· Pull your child out of school for lunch… not to talk.
· Look through old family photo albums together… not to talk.
· Decide together to make a batch of cookies… not to talk.
· Go to a movie together at a far away theater so your teen won’t be embarrassed to be seen with you… not to talk.
When we are available we strengthen a relationship of trust. Our kids see that we’re not too busy for them. We have set the stage for conversation to pop up spontaneously. And someday, when life is challenging and your teen is confused, you might hear him say, “Dad, can we talk?”
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by Diane Overgard
Have you ever had a broken flusher on your toilet? A good friend informed me that “flusher” is not the American Standard official term for this part of a toilet, but I’m confident you know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the long piece inside a toilet tank, attaching the handle to a chain to trip the rubber disk, and release water in a successful flush. It is an integral part of a toilet!
With a functional flusher we enjoy the luxury of merely flicking the silver handle on a toilet and -wha-la! – seeing a magical exchange of water in the toilet bowl. However, when the flusher is broken, as in my story here, a flick of the handle brings only a dismal click, and nothing else.
When this happened at my house I, being the resourceful person that I am, removed the lid cover and manually pulled the rubber disk up for each flush. Yes, the water was cold and sometimes my sleeves were too long, but it worked for me. The problem was with my 16 year old daughter. She thought it was gross to stick her hand in a toilet, even if the water was clean. So I put a plier nearby and she fished to catch the little chain, and pulled it without getting her hand wet. This system continued for three weeks.
Until today when I decided that I would address this situation head-on, and fix the flusher. So I trekked off on a mission, to Home Depot.
Do you have any idea how many different types of flushers exist? I was fortunate to meet a new friend, Jasper, who works in plumbing at Home Depot, and is extremely knowledgeable about the configurations and benefits of each model. He explained front mount, side mount, universal mount, and also metal verses plastic composition. Less than $5 later I was happily on my way home to begin installation.
Now for some of you, repairing a toilet may be old hat. You would probably never give such a repair enough thought as to write an article about your experience. But for me, this was an accomplishment. I was truly ecstatic when the new flusher fit, and it worked! The sound of that first flush was happy music to me. I wanted to celebrate. And celebrate I did.
When my daughter came home from school I led her into the bathroom, and instructed her to flick the handle. She smiled. Then she spotted a package of Oreo cookies and two mugs of milk on the back of the toilet. I said, “This is a new flusher party!” She gave me an appalled glance of humiliation and disgust that every parent of a teenager has seen, and she said, “Mom, this is really weird.” But then, her eyes twinkled and she laughed out loud. We both laughed as we stood in the bathroom dunking Oreos in our milk.
So, what can a broken flusher and a bathroom party of Oreos teach us about life? Things in life break – flushers, promises, relationships, and dreams. And we don’t like it when that happens. We live with inconvenience, or agony, for awhile. But then someone like Jasper gives us a hand. It might be a friend, a pastor, or a life coach who brings a fresh eye to help us see the options that are before us. My favorite time in coaching is when a client experiences an “ah-ha” moment, and sees their own situation in a new light, from a perspective they’ve not taken before. That opens the door for change.
And, I love a celebration! My clients and I celebrate together in nearly every call. Because when you’re looking for good in life, you see it. Little successes, like a new flusher, give us hope, and change attitudes which begin to change life – for the better.
If you have had to live through some broken pieces of life, please contact me. I will be honored to walk with you through the repair and healing. Together we will find the energy to address your situation, secure the new pieces you need, and celebrate progress. You will learn to keep your eyes open for little successes and celebrate them. It will make you smile.
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by Diane Overgard
Divorced. How did this happen in my life? We were the couple other people tried to copy. So many years. A family sitting together in church. Great kids. Beautiful home. Successful careers. Fun vacations. Ended.
You’re reading this article that has the word “pain” in the title, so I suspect you aren’t skipping down the street, ecstatic about your divorce. Divorce stinks, even if we know it’s the right thing to do – often the only way to preserve our wholeness, finances, or sanity.
Whether you are contemplating divorce, starting the process, or right in the middle of the muck, I’m pretty sure there are questions running through your mind. In Life Coaching we say that the first step to finding answers is clarifying the questions. Since this article is a one-sided conversation, let me share with you some common questions. Here we go!
1. Why can’t I make up my mind about whether or not I should end this marriage?
Life is complex. There are so few things that are black or white. One day you feel hurt and angry when you discover things you don’t want to know, or realize things you don’t want to accept. But, the next day there is a positive conversation, or a happy time with your whole family, and the road ahead seems hopeful.
I think that indecisiveness comes because we are hopeful people. We hope that a bad situation will improve. We hope our feelings will change. We hope for a miracle. And sometimes our hopes come true. I’ve seen miracles in my life. So, don’t give up! Give yourself credit for your determination and perseverance. Making a big decision is hard work that takes time. When you’ve completed all the work you need to do, you will know what the right decision is for you.
You’re not done til you’re done.
2. How long will I feel miserable?
There is no magic time period for emotions. You have to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. Be aware of the feelings inside of yourself. Name them. Write about them. Go ahead and cry or yell, but also try some exercise, Life Coaching, or therapy to help you.
Do you have people in your life who are telling you to move on and get happy? Some people are uncomfortable around us when we’re sad. Others have so much empathy that they truly can’t stand to see us in pain. Think about how you will tell these friends and family what you need. Tell them how they can support you. And if they still keep telling you how to feel --- find a new friend who is a good listener. Keep the old friends, love them for what they give you, but understand what they cannot.
3. How can I get through these crummy days?
This is an agonizing time. Even though you may not feel it today, I have to tell you, “This too shall pass.” You will feel better eventually. However, while you are trapped in this time warp of pain you need some coping tools. Life Coaching brings a wealth of helpful tools to any situation. Try some of these:
DO SOMETHING UNUSUAL: What have you always wanted to do? Is there something you’d like to learn? I’ve been motivated to plunge into uncommon activities, and they all made me feel like I was becoming a new, more interesting person. Can you imagine taking a dance class, going on a guided bike hike, or throwing a pot-luck supper for neighbors? I know your energy level may be low, but things like this can keep you going.
TEACH YOURSELF TO ENJOY SOLITUDE: One of the greatest fears in divorce is that we will be alone. Can you make a mindset switch to enjoy being alone? Some of my most peaceful moments are when I’m sitting at my favorite spot at a nearby park, with a vanilla latte in hand, savoring the quiet. I cherish an evening in my comfy chair with a soft blanket and an inspiring book.
SCHEDULE PEOPLE IN YOUR DAYS: On the flip side of enjoying solitude is enjoying people! I know myself well enough to understand that I value conversation with a good friend at least three times a week. What’s your schedule? Aside from that, I also enjoy just being around people sometimes and will hang out at a bookstore or a coffee shop. Where do you go to be out among people? Do you ever greet a stranger there?
BE THANKFUL EVERY DAY: One coaching tool directs us to recall three things at the end of each day for which we are grateful. No matter how difficult life becomes we can learn to look for some good. A faithful little dog who sits next to me in my chair, the smell of fresh morning air, and a homemade coffee cake are all really good things!
So, there are three questions. What other questions do you have? Call me, and let’s talk!
LIFE WITH JOY AND PURPOSE
